Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
