Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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