I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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