my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
