In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
