idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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