Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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