omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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