two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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