Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize