Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
