i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
