So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Text me some of your sweat
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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