A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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