No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
