she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
