I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
