wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
