My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
zippers are such a cool invention
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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