these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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