Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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