It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
