I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
