My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
