I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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