nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
