I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
