I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
