Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
