She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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