It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
