Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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