I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
