4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
