I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
