Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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