# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I touched a dick in church today
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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