Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Randomize