and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
