He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
