Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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