so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
