if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
