I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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