You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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