I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
