Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
