I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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