Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
