He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
