Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
FUCK WHALES
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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