It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
