I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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