dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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