I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
