He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
