i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
should my penis look like a turkey
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
