It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He passed out mid-signature
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
