Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
babies were throwing up all over the place
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
