Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
