i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
