not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize