If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
